9.26.2017

ache

My oldest child came home from school with a permission slip for his first ever field trip. "I don't want to go," he says, "because you're supposed to get on a bus without a parent. I want to go if you take me." The weight of this field trip with it's taunting permission slip that sits on my table unfilled out (as there's no way I'm putting my Kindergartener on a bus and sending him off on a field trip without me) -- well, it's crushing. I stop thinking about it just long enough to watch my 18-month old pull a stack of paper onto the floor, following it up with an avalanche of crayons that never made their way back into the container in which they were supposed to be put back into yesterday. My youngest is more independent than my oldest ever was, even now at eighteen months when she'd rather eat ice-cream with her fingers than ask me for help with the spoon that keeps getting stuck in the thick, white scoops of vanilla Ben & Jerry's. My oldest remains more attached still, just slightly seeking out enough independence to give me anxiety in that "what do you MEAN you don't need me to walk you all the way into your classroom?" kind of way. My oldest would sit and paint for hours, even as a toddler, but my youngest will humor me with a fifteen second crayon drawing before moving on to color the floor or walls or whatever is closest by. I'd say they're a perfect balance but maybe only if you replace the word balance with chaos and throw in a lot of love and laughter and high-pitched shrieking because that's apparently my toddler's favorite tone to speak in lately.

Still, the bassinet that I carefully picked out when my Kindergartner was an embryo inside my uterus sits in the garage. I've humored my husband that I'm going to sell it, listing it for way more than it's worth and acting surprised when no one bites. We could use the space in the garage, of course, and I'm sure there are new parents out there who could use a bassinet but I cannot part with it. For most other mothers, this often means "we don't know if we're finished having babies yet." It's probably the hottest topic of playground conversation: how to know if you're done having kids while surveying other moms to figure out who still has reproduction on the table. The thing is this: we're done having babies. We're done having babies because life told me I had no choice but to be done having babies, whether from my womb or someone else's. The extra room I always said we would have a closet built into to turn it into a bedroom will forever remain some mixture of a playroom, Lego workshop and Room To Keep Clutter. We'll never get to pluck any of the baby names we've stuffed up into our brains and see them in print on another birth certificate. We'll never get to decide who gets to make the bottle and feed the baby at 2 a.m. and soon, before we know it, I'm sure, we will never buy another box of diapers.

I've been thinking about this a lot: the lasts. When did it become the norm for my oldest to walk alongside the grocery store cart and not ask to ride? When was the last time he sat in the cart, balloon in one hand and cookie in the other? When was the last time he wore a diaper, even? The lasts all blend together underneath the mess of the chaotic days and eventually you adjust to the sleep deprivation and you just sort of accept the new normals as they come. I'm there now, facing my issues of permission slips and field trips and open houses while juggling a toddler's dance classes and gym classes and no-longer-monthly well-visits. Never will I ever bottle feed a baby again, or have that moment where I get to see my baby for the first time and think this is it, here you are. Never will I ever get to sit through another mommy and me class with infants sprawled across blankets as tired new moms discuss milestones and how much (or how little) sleep they got the night before. That phase of my life is over, even if by no choice of my own, and as much as this phase of life is beautiful and wonderful and perfect, I will always be able to feel the ache.

I will forever miss the normalcy that was robbed from me when my baby wouldn't make it. I will miss the children we never got to have, the ones I had in mind when I insisted upon bench seating for our larger than life dining room table when we were just twenty-one years old. And, I know, one day I will look back and miss -- with the same dreadful ache -- the Kindergarten years, the toddler years, the high-pitched dance parties to DMX and Andrew McMahon in my living room while dinner burns in the oven. I will miss permission slips and field trips being my biggest worries. I will miss having to clean crayon off of the walls and the floor and the mirror and the side of my car (I'm still not sure how that happened). The ache will be there, buried underneath the memories from this phase of life, too. I put a lot of stock into being present in the moment but I'm realizing each day just how very valuable memories themselves are.

Onward. With the unbelievable joy, the laughter, the chaos and the aches that become a part of you -- onward. Because that is the greatest gift life can give you.

 photo signature_zps5tftxxmn.png

24 comments:

  1. Hi Lindsay, I got your blog as a random one to read. My children are 26 and 18. My son still lives at home, he is the eldest and my daughter lives with her grandmother but I still help her with the "adult" stuff. I often wish that I could go back if even for a day and enjoy them as infants or young children. It seems unreal to me when I hug this big man who used to be my baby or look at my 18 year old daughter and remember her being young. It is bittersweet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you are suffering from your Gmail related problem. Then just relax and click on the given link-

    Gmail support

    The link has the toll free number from which user can contact our customer support team and can solve theri problem.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Install new IT architecture, and troubleshoot physical problems with your systems easily. Field Engineer gives you instant access to thousands. Freelance Data Center Operations Technician

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is very Amazing and Very Informative Artical we get alot of Informations from this artical we really appreciate your team work keep it up and keep posting such a informative articles
    เกมสล็อตออนไลน์
    เล่นสล็อตonline

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wohh just what I was looking for, regards for posting.UFABET

    ReplyDelete
  7. I conceive you have noted some very interesting points, regards for the post. ufabetทางเข้า

    ReplyDelete
  8. WebUpdatesDaily-An asset where one can track down a wide range of updates and news about Technology, Business, Entertainment, Marketing, Sports and that's only the tip of the iceberg.
    webupdatesdaily

    ReplyDelete
  9. We stumbled over here from a different web page and thought I should check things out. I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to looking at your web page yet again.|

    토토365프로
    스포츠토토

    ReplyDelete
  10. I was impressed by the good writing.Thank you.
    If you want to know the social graph game, come here!

    Great article, totally what I was looking for.


    스포츠토토티비
    스포츠중계

    ReplyDelete
  11. I enjoyed over read your blog post.
    Your blog have nice information, I got good idea from this amazing blog.
    I am always searching like this type blog post. I hope I will see again…
    wordpress
    blogspot
    youtube
    ស្លតកាស៊ីណូអនឡាញG

    ReplyDelete
  12. excellent post, very informative. I wonder why the other specialists of this sector don’t notice this. You must continue your writing. I’m sure, you have a great readers’ base already! 온라인바둑이

    ReplyDelete
  13. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  14. cement kiln dust in Corpus Christi , Texas is used for soil stabilization and construction, improving soil strength and reducing moisture. This byproduct of cement manufacturing provides a cost-effective and sustainable solution for infrastructure projects. CKD application follows environmental regulations to ensure safety.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Il forno menu offers a delectable array of authentic Italian dishes, from wood-fired pizzas to freshly made pastas and savory risottos. Each dish is crafted with high-quality ingredients, ensuring a true taste of Italy in every bite.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Edmonton rooftop snow removal prevents roof damage caused by heavy snow and ice buildup. Experts safely clear snow to reduce the risk of leaks, ice dams, and structural stress. Regular snow removal ensures your roof remains secure and functional throughout winter.

    ReplyDelete
  17. فوائد عسل الارنب الوحشي in Monster Rabbit products is rich in nutrients and energy-boosting properties. Known to enhance stamina, support immunity, and improve overall vitality, it’s a natural choice for wellness and sexual health enhancement.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...