12.31.2017

resolutions.

I suck at New Year's Eve. I can throw a pretty sweet party for just about any holiday. St. Patrick's Day? No problem. You bet that leprechaun will find his way to my house, leaving a trail of green footprints across my tile and even some green urine in the toilet for good measure. No detail remains undone. New Years? Meh. I'm not sure my poor children ever celebrated New Year's Eve (or day, for that matter), short of waking up and me pointing out it's now an entirely new year. Sometimes we share annoyances that businesses are closed or that the beach is crowded. Usually, we just retreat to the zoo for something to do. I don't know why I lose my party planning excitement for New Year's other than I've never been very good at staying up late, and I can't recall the last time I even stayed up until midnight. Resolutions are lame and no one ever keeps them, let's be real. So New Years? Meh. Meh all around.

This year, though, I feel a little differently. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to have my happy ass in bed at 9:00 struggling to stay awake through just one more binge-watching episode of Blackish, but I kind of get the appeal of a fresh slate. A little bit, anyway. Enough to maybe make my meh a smaller one this year than in years past.

My husband surprised Ethan with a day trip to Legoland for their New Years party and Carmen, my mom and I had a more low-key day at the (where else?) zoo. The neighbors are already getting into the spirit with noisemakers (can you see my side eye from here?) and I'm just counting down the minutes until bedtime, because that's how I do. But anyway, resolutions. I'm feeling it this year, maybe because the last few months have been such a gigantic breakthrough for me in so many ways.

I'm gifting myself the promise of self care this year because this is one area in which I routinely slack off. In the past, I've determined that self-care meant allowing myself time to wash my hair a couple of times a week or enjoying a non-rushed hot shower. I'm learning that these are just things that are kind of mandatory, and I have to give myself time for actual self-care: reading books that are piled up on my nightstand, taking myself on a date to the movies, going for coffee with friends or even extending my nightly walks a little longer so I can listen to all of John Moreland's albums twice just because I want to. I've been trying to practice this the last few weeks and I've noticed a huge difference in how much more refreshed I feel even when the big details don't really change (the laundry is still piled, the dishes are still hanging out dirtied on the counter, there aren't enough hours in the day still).

My hopes for this upcoming year? Allowing myself to feel -- truly feel -- inner peace without worrying about when or if the other shoe will drop. It's been a long road and I'm forever changed by the path I've walked, but I'm trying to keep my grip on peace because I've been waiting for it to arrive for a while. So that's a whole lot of peace, a whole lot of happiness -- and all the roadtrips my minivan can stand because seeing so much of this country with my babies has been such a place of joy this past year. Bring it on, adventure. Ready for you, 2018.

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