i'm being fearless today.

Today something I wrote is being featured at Fearless Formula Feeder. I wrote it just before Ethan turned one, which is about the time I really let down my guard and became a fearless formula feeder myself rather than a reluctant, insecure formula feeder. It was also about the time he transitioned off of formula and onto milk, so that could have had a lot to do with it. Actually, it probably did.

Many people who I meet now assume Ethan was breastfed. I am the token crunchy mom in our group of friends and it only makes sense for me to have been a breastfeeding mother. I wish that I was -- it was what I had planned, after all -- but unfortunately my body had other plans. Sometimes I'm still unsure of how to react when I read claims on internet mothering groups about how mothers who choose formula for their children also feed them McDonalds for each meal of the day. Sometimes I'm not sure how to react mostly because it's so false and also because it's not always a choice. It's not always so cut and dry, so black and white. Life, in all of it's beauty, is way more intricate than that.

But this isn't a debate because there isn't anything to debate. I respect all mothers who do their best for their children, who nurture them and love them and do all that they can for them. Being featured on Fearless Formula Feeder, which served as such therapy for me during my initial time of coping with the choice that my body had made for me, is an honor. If there's anything I can take away from this experience, it's that maybe other mothers in similar situations will find solace and comfort in my words and know that they're not alone.

My story can be found here and a huge thank-you to Fearless Formula Feeder for considering my measly words amongst all of the strong, incredible voices I've come to find so much hope and inspiration in!

with a star upon your shoulder lighting up the path that you walk, with a parrot on your shoulder saying everything when you talk

My sweet, sweet Ethan,

You amaze me everyday with your sweetness. Every single day you are learning so much. Every single night, I go to sleep amazed at the things you've learned, the things you can do, the things that you know. You've shed some of your token timidness but not all of it and that's okay. You are not afraid to be scared and I hope that you realize this will always be okay; it's okay to be apprehensive of new and unfamiliar things. I think you are the most incredible person I know. You have such a beautiful, gentle heart and I am honored to be able to watch you grow.

You are so creative and lately you really love creating art. You have a love/hate relationship with crayons and mostly you love using stamps and stickers to decorate paper. Recently we explored the avenue of vanilla pudding fingerpainting and I think I found something you love more than stickers. You are so strong-willed; there is a certain way you like to do things, specific places you like to put things. You've learned that you know what you want and are learning how to make these things happen without relying solely on me. This makes me both happy and sad. Happy, because I am proud of you and love watching you grow. Sad, because in my mind you'll need me forever.

I am having the time of my life with you. I am enjoying our daily adventures and I hope that you are, too. I am learning so much as you are learning -- and I am learning so much. Each day you awaken a part of me that has been silenced by adulthood.

On quiet afternoons like today, you sleep and I realize what a great team we are. Together. You and me. It's funny to remember when you were first born and your daddy had to go back to work and I was paralyzed with the fear of being alone with you, worried I wouldn't know what to do, worried something would happen. They were all wasted worries. We've got this.

I love you so much, my sweet boy. I am constantly in awe of you and your kindness. You keep me on my toes and I am nothing against your smile.

happy birthday, sweet sixteen

Yesterday my little sister -- my itty-bitty baby sister -- turned sixteen. Sixteen. As in the age where you're legally allowed to drive (thankfully she took a page from her big sister's book and never took her permit test and therefore isn't). Sixteen, the age where everything feels so bitingly real and powerful and strong. By my 16th birthday, I was already dating the boy who would later become my husband when we were all grown up -- because at sixteen, you're capable of real human relationships and feelings. It's the end of "you can't come to my birthday party" and "you can't be my friend anymore" and the start of exploring the deepest parts of your heart and knowing how to maneuver them with the emotional hurricane that is being sixteen.

Sixteen.

My sister's Sweet 16 celebration isn't until Saturday (did I mention I'm throwing it? And making the cake? And somehow creating a photobooth through a tutorial on Pinterest I can no longer even find? No pressure!) but since I'm not quite sure Ethan will make the invite list, we still had to celebrate on her actual birthday. We stuck some candles in an unfrosted cupcake, sang happy birthday and let Ethan devour the cupcake in it's entirety. Ethan doesn't get to eat sweets on the regular but I figured my sister's 16th birthday is as good a reason as it gets.

Sixteen. It takes a lot to render me speechless, but I just might be there.

That night, I accompanied my mother to surprise Megan with more cupcakes and another round of happy birthday to you after her dance classes. I'm not sure she appreciated the gesture -- you remember what it was like to be sixteen -- but I couldn't have gone to sleep that night without telling her happy birthday again. I mean, sixteen, you guys. How is that even possible?

My sister and I couldn't be more different. She is a blonde hip-hop dancer who knows how to style her hair, knows who everyone at the MTV awards is and how to put together an outfit. I am the introverted, mismatched older sibling with a penchant for foreign literature and cinema that makes my sister lift her eyebrow as she shrugs her shoulders as a surrender to my strangeness. Her experience as a sixteen year old is worlds apart from my own and sometimes it takes me a while to understand that she is still experiencing that fragile, awkward state -- just with much more grace than I ever did.

For her 14th birthday, I had a set of friendship necklaces made, one half meant for each of us. They were engraved with Further Seems Forever lyrics that have reminded me of her ever since she was a precocious child with blonde ringlets who would crawl into my bed at night and tell me I was her best friend. (She's always been mine, too.) And I recall how you always sat on the same side as me; it always seemed you'd always be on my side -- you're my best side.

And she still is, though I sense it'll be some years before she realizes it. Being sixteen will do that to you. We've all been there.

ethan's weekly eats

I skipped last week's Ethan's Weekly Eats because we all had colds last week, meaning lunches solely consisted of soup, toast and jam, more soup and some more soup. That's also the reason that Monday is missing from this post -- not because Ethan was still sick, as he was feeling much better. Just because I was feeling lazy, trying to navigate my way through motherhood with throbbing sinus pressure and a nose like a faucet. We went for toast and jam and soup on Monday, too.

I also put a tab on top of my blog to link back to all of my Ethan's Weekly Eats posts in case you need easy access to some healthy, fun toddler meals.

TUESDAY:

I was really excited about this Very Cheesy Caprese Sandwich and all in all it was a success, though there are some changes I'd make for the next time. (Also, my husband proudly took to Google to assure me that "Caprese" does not rhyme with "Cheesy" but it sounds way more fun that way, so there!) For this sandwich, I threw an organic roma tomato, a clove of garlic and some fresh basil leaves in a food processor to make a sauce-paste. I brushed that onto a half of a sandwich round and topped it with some pieces of fresh mozarella cheese. I threw the sandwich into the toaster until the bread was toasted and the mozarella was gooey and melted. I served this alongside some watermelon and blueberries, the latter of which Ethan can no longer eat for a couple of weeks as we're undergoing more elimination-allergy experiments. (This will be a rough couple of weeks. He LOVES blueberries.)

Anyway, if I had to do it again -- which I would, because this was otherwise a big hit with both my husband and Ethan -- I wouldn't food process the tomatoes and basil. I'd stick to thinly sliced pieces of roma tomato paired with the food processed basil leaves and garlic. Ethan loves tomatoes and I think he'd prefer the pieces of tomato to the paste.

WEDNESDAY:

Though not for much longer, Wednesdays are still our busy day. We are on the go like mad on Wednesdays so it's all about functionality and not so much presentation as far as lunch goes. Wednesday's lunch was an Avocado & Cheese Quesadilla on a corn tortilla. I simply scooped out an avocado and mashed it up with a fork until smooth. I spread avocado on top of two small corn tortillas. I sprinkled some organic cheddar cheese over the avocado on one of the tortillas and then pressed both together. I cooked the quesadilla in a small pan on the stove until the cheese was melted and then sliced up with a pizza cutter. I served this with some watermelon and a plum.

THURSDAY:

On Thursday morning we were asked to a splash park with some friends and gladly accepted. I got up early on Thursday morning to make Ethan's lunch as planned, a little worried about how well it'd stand up alongside being packed up and traveled with. Luckily, these little Eggplant Pizzas traveled great! These were probably the biggest hit of the week -- Ethan couldn't eat them fast enough. These were easy, fun and a definite repeat!

To make these, I sliced up an eggplant into some thin slices. I baked them at 250 degrees for 5 minutes per side to soften them. Once finished, I spread some sauce on top of the slices and added some organic mozzarella cheese. I'm sure you could also add a variety of other toppings to these little pizzas, too, if you wanted to get creative! I baked them at 250 degrees for 10 minutes and served them with some grapes and blueberries.

FRIDAY:

Friday Ethan had leftover Lemon Chicken Milanese & Arugula Salad, which was dinner the night before. I served the 1/2 chicken cutlet atop chopped organic arugula leaves. I served this with a plum and a piece of celery filled with hummus.

SATURDAY:

Saturday afternoon, we were all out at the mall enjoying some family time. Ethan had some falafel at Maoz Vegeterian Cafe. I figured I might as well still document his lunch despite the fact I didn't make it, though it did inspire me to figure out an easy make-at-home falafel recipe, preferably baked. You'll be seeing this one pop up next week, I'm hoping.

SUNDAY:

Today's lunch was not attractive in the least, but it was delicious and Ethan loved it. These Vegetarian Zucchini Boats were actually vegan today as I made them with vegan cheese (again with the whole elimination-allergy experimentation, kill me now!). Instead of using ground meats like with most of the zucchini boat recipes I found, I made these with organic black beans. They're super easy, super quick to prepare and super tasty, too. (My husband happily finished Ethan's leftovers in two bites!)

To make these, you pop a zucchini in the microwave or the oven until it's softened (3-ish minutes). In the mean time, throw in about half a can of black beans, a handful of shredded cheese (I used vegan cheddar-style cheese), some minced garlic, onion powder, chili pepper and black pepper into a small bowl and combine. Once the zucchini is softened, slice it length-wise and scoop out (I used a tablespoon measuring spoon) the insides of the zucchini, tossing them into the mixing bowl. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and fill the zucchini shells with the black bean and zucchini mixture. Bake for 15-20 minutes and there you have it! I paired these zucchini boats with some grapes, which is all Ethan gave me time to prepare because he was starving. And sleepy.

if every moment of our lives were cradled softly in the hands of some strange and gentle child, i'd not roll my eyes so

One of Ethan's favorite videos to watch while receiving his breathing treatments is one of Elmo singing a song about his ducks. (I believe it's appropriately titled Elmo's Ducks.) With that song in our heads over the past few days, Ethan and I have been on a quest to meet some ducks of our own. Ethan's ducks. We packed up the two loaves of bread sitting on our counter that had reached their expiration date before we managed to finish them and set off for some ducks. Living in south Florida, there are lakes everywhere and, consequently, ducks everywhere. This was not so over the past few days, however. It was like all of the ducks packed up and went on a duck vacation. After circling the city, pulling into the parking lots of various parks and scoping out the canals and lakes with a disappointing sigh at the sudden lack of ducks, we headed to a park near my parent's house. A park with a lake so huge that there just had to be ducks.

Ethan saw something near the water as we excitedly ran over to check it out -- but, alas, not a duck. Instead, we watched the small white water bird walk up and down the shoreline. "Dis," Ethan urged, pushing the loaves of bread toward me. I told him I wasn't sure the bird would be interested in the bread but we tried anyway. (He wasn't.) Ethan still got a kick out of tossing pieces of bread into the grass. Before long, friendly squirrels ran over to retrieve the bread the water bird didn't feel like eating. Ethan laughed as they scurried up the trees, carrying the pieces of bread in their tiny hands, fluffing out their bushy tails.

We spent nearly an hour at the edge of the lake, watching the the water occasionally ripple. It was a beautiful afternoon spent amongst nature...but there were no ducks. There were no ducks for the next few days, even.

This morning once Ethan woke up, it was time for his treatment and another viewing of Elmo's Ducks. That was it. We were finding ducks. This afternoon, my husband and I packed up Ethan and the rest of the bread and set off for a park on the other side of the city that I had seen ducks at once. At this point, it was all we had to go on: once I was there and once there were ducks.

And then there they were, in all their feathered glory. Ducks. A mommy and her sweet babies.

To say Ethan was delighted would be an understatement. We couldn't toss the pieces of bread fast enough for his liking. Ethan pointed out each piece to the ducks in the event they didn't see them right away, laughing as they gobbled up the pieces. We spent a while with the ducks, watching them eat and play and interact with one another (and Ethan).

Finally. Ethan found his ducks.