12.16.2014

one year ago today

One year ago today, two pink lines appeared on the home pregnancy test I took on a whim. I'm still not sure why I took it. I decided that I should have had stomach cramps by now and so I took it in the middle of the afternoon while Ethan sat at the table coloring in a coloring book. We had just returned home from a five mile walk to and from Starbucks with our friends. We had just been discussing future children on our walk and I had said I thought I was ready to try for another. I remember the feeling of excited panic when those lines appeared. I remember the way I couldn't wait for my husband to come home from work so I could surprise him but, by the time he got home, I was so anxious and excited that all I could do was thrust a box containing the pregnancy test at him.

One year ago today, I texted photos of those pink lines to my best friends and realized that they're all teachers and I had to wait so impatiently for three o'clock to roll around so they could see my texts to them. Freak outs and excitement and "oh my gosh!" and plans on how to tell our families. One year ago today, I ran out to Wal-Mart and bought a t-shirt and iron on letters. I couldn't get the iron to work so the "Big Brother" I had intended ended up just saying "Big Bro." The following night, Ethan wore the shirt to my parents house to help them decorate their tree. "Just don't say anything to Ethan yet," I whispered. "I want to make sure everything is okay first."

One year ago today, we began planning for a life with two beautiful children in it. We stayed up late into the night talking about names and nursery ideas and how I just knew the baby would be a girl. I just knew it. It had nothing to do with the fact this pregnancy was already and would continue to be so different from my first. For some reason, I just knew she was a girl.

One year ago today, I ordered a baby book on Amazon that matched the one we had for Ethan. I imagined a life with our two children. I wondered who she would be. A year later, I'm still wondering who she would be. A lifetime later, I will still be wondering the same thing.

One year ago today, our lives changed in ways that we didn't imagine at the time. We would be welcoming and mourning the loss of a child simultaneously, trying to make sense of the pain that we would never be able to make sense of. If the ending had to stay the same, I would still relive the beginning over and over again.

One year ago today, we learned Wylie was on the way. How two little pink lines changed our lives in such a big way.

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