i don't even know anymore

We got sick. Again. This time, all of us. Aside from maybe a couple days here, a couple weeks there, it feels as if we've been continuously sick since Halloween and I'm over it. Whatever shards are left of my mental wellbeing are themselves falling apart quickly. And Ethan's lungs. My poor, sweet boy. I'd been celebrating him being off his lung steroids for close to a full year now, able to tolerate colds or the occasional wheeze with just a single Albuterol treatment and oh this is progress but then -- then this virus of doom hit us and it was all over. Just like that, Ethan's doctor put him back on the twice-daily steroids and Albuterol every four hours. And he needs it. Three hours and twenty minutes after the previous treatment and his huffing, wheezing, rattling lets us know the next treatment time is fast approaching. I'm a mess of just wanting him to be healthy to really enjoy Christmas and the lights and festivities and magic and then making myself frantic that it just might be impossible to restrict the activity of a two and a half year old.

The past nearly week has been filled with fevers and snot and the hum of the nebulizer and loud, hacking coughs and me yelling "I'm passing out!" and my poor husband navigating me to the bed before I do. And that awful feeling of being so thirsty but even the coldest sip of water feeling like you're placing an ice cube on a bed of hot coals thanks to a fever that couldn't make up it's mind. And, you know, having to parent an equally sick child on top of it all. It's been a mess but I think we're on our way up and out of the thick of it, slowly but surely.

I have tried to save this time as best as I can with Christmas fun and crafts and decorations. And, to give myself some credit, an entire day spent setting up our new tot school classroom (post to come!). Things are slowly getting back on track, I can only hope, because this cold and flu season? It completely derailed me. This will be the first year I haven't thrown Ethan's friends a holiday party and I'm trying to cut myself some slack and chip away a little bit at the mom guilt. It's been a hectic couple of months. As eager as I am for Christmas, I find myself just a little bit maybe longing for the fresh slate of a new year. New beginnings. Healthy ones, hopefully.

But Christmas. It's almost here. We took Ethan driving around the city tonight to find houses decorated up with bright lights and inflatable characters. We sat on the lawn of one of the houses and admired their display. "It's beautiful! Look at those lights! They're awesome," Ethan exclaimed, and I felt the magic for the first time this season.


  1. Oh, how my heart feels your heart! i went through the same thing with my little guy last year and it's just heart breaking! In our case our mystery was finally solved by a med student doing her shadowing at our pediatrician's office. She figured out that his immune system would crash every time he got multiple immunizations. It wasn't a reaction to the shots, exactly. He just couldn't handle so much at once so he would catch EVERYTHING and his respiratory system would freak out and we'd be back on steroids. Just when he would start to feel better... more shots and we were back to square 1. Ugh! Since then we've slowed WAY down on his immunizations and he hasn't had a single problem since. I hope they find such an easy solution for your guy too!!!


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