I am really good at dwelling. It is one of my greatest skills, keeping myself up into the wee hours of the morning slathering on the guilt and worry and unnecessary (and oftentimes irrational) concern for situations that likely only exist in my mind. You know, like the stale already if I do or don't give Ethan a sibling now then I am selfish and ruining his life because we have no family routine that I've perfected at this point, every last cranny explored and analyzed. The fact that we have a small family is always a sore spot. I am openly envious of large families with siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins and family reunions and trips and holidays. But what I constantly miss when I spend my time daydreaming about what I don't have, what I can't give to my child just by having another child sooner than we had anticipated, are the amazing people that walk in and out of our lives regularly.
I pointed out to my husband the other day how many ridiculously interesting people we've met, be it once or twice or just know and regardless our lives are somehow bettered by them. Or changed, or inspired in some way, the littlest way. The artists and creative souls who are always busy making and doing and creating a world that I am glad to be a part of. While our family tree is small and bare and comprised of a few weary branches, there are so many people in our lives that my child can learn from. There are so many people that I'm willing for him to see and meet and watch and say this is what I want to be like. It is no secret that my greatest hope for Ethan is to follow his dreams and be who he is, who he really is, whoever that may be. Whether this means college or doesn't, whether this means a musician or a lawyer or both, my ultimate goal is for him to know both happiness and himself.
I realized recently how rich our lives are in knowing so many amazing people who do so much so beautifully. That for every "how does your husband feel about Ethan painting? I bet he wishes he could go out in the yard and kick a football" there is also a "this is a beautiful painting, Ethan! Can I keep it for my wall?" For every bit of ugly that exists that makes me feel oppressed and misunderstood and frustrated on a regular basis, there is so much beauty. And so much good. And so many people with beautiful, creative hearts and inviting souls that help lift it all up for me when it all feels like too much, even if they don't know it. Even if I've met them once or twice and simply click through their names through social media. Even if they read this blog regularly or don't know of it's existence at all. Even if they live far away and visits are far too few. How lucky we are. How lucky Ethan is. How lucky the world is for these little bits of sunshine, light and beauty when the world feels all too dark.