for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are, and that will be better, okay? i think that will be better.

This blog is all tumbleweeds and crickets, or so it feels to me. It's not that I'm void of ideas or topics that I want to spill my guts about, it's just that I'm sort of zapped for time. I've spent a lot of time with my thoughts lately and also a lot of time living. Ethan and I have gone from dangling our toes in the water to submerging ourselves back into life again. Ethan is at that age where he truly values playing with other children his age and I am trying to step around everything else to give him the opportunity to play and be a child again. He has been making new friends and playing with old friends and talking about his friends up until the moment he goes to sleep at night and I swear this little boy of mine goes to sleep smiling. I am slowly getting my act together, a little bit. I am grateful for the friends who have been so patient with me -- so kind and understanding -- as I tried to navigate this not-new-but-different life of ours. We've been filling up our calendar with playdates and events and I've been inviting people to our house again. Ethan has been so excited. He has been so patient with me and sometimes I'm amazed that he's only three years old because what I wouldn't do for a sliver of his wisdom and compassion.

Last Friday, my husband managed to get the day off of work so we could take Ethan to Boo At The Zoo. We have somehow created this tradition in which Ethan dresses up like a zoo animal each year and it is one that he takes very, very seriously. This year he opted to be a tiger. I made stripes out of duct tape and felt and hot glue and shoved him into a pair of $2 girls leggings I found on eBay but, my gosh, he was stoked to be a tiger. "Mommy," he whispered as zoo employees asked if he wanted a piece of candy, "I think they think I'm a real tiger."

We go to the zoo so much that Ethan can navigate it likely with his eyes closed, but he likes to use the paper maps and boss us around and act like he's some great explorer who has never been to the zoo before.

His map always takes him to Mardi, the white alligator. Ethan is beyond obsessed with Mardi and it's laughable because Mardi is the only animal who, well, never moves or does much of anything but Ethan sure thinks he's incredible. Which isn't to say Ethan wasn't a little frustrated that Mardi refused to don a costume for Boo At The Zoo, but I think he forgave him. "Oh, maybe Mardi dreams of me when he goes to sleep. He thinks I'm a nice friend. Maybe I'm his favorite friend."

So, Boo At The Zoo. Last year, Ethan was a raccoon. "Remember when Ethan was a raccoon?" I asked my husband. "I don't think he's grown much since then. Maybe a little. I don't really see such a difference, looking back."

And then I compared the photos.