I've been thinking lately of the chaos in motherhood. Mostly how much it's all changed; how much it's normalized, stabilized. Not that our lives these days are void of chaos -- on the contrary, I feel as if I've walked through a hurricane on a daily basis. ("Let's do this hurricane simulator," my sister begged me on her birthday. I didn't need to. I know what it feels like to stand helplessly in the midst of a hurricane -- it's called "every day in the life of a toddler mom.") It's a different kind of chaos is what I'm saying. Not even easier, just different. I remember the days where sleep deprivation was terrifying and new, where schedules were the ultimate fantasy and it felt like nothing would ever be capable of being figured out again. I've realized more and more lately how Ethan and I have our thing down pact, this life together. How much I live for our little discussions which usually involve him schooling me because there isn't anything he doesn't know -- and how aware I am of how much it's all fleeting. I don't really long for time to stop like I once I did. Perhaps this is caused by knowing how it feels firsthand to never see one of your children grow up or perhaps it's just this season of life we're in right now. These days I watch Ethan and how he interacts with the world -- a world he is beginning to understand, to fit into and long to be a part of in a big way -- and I acknowledge how different it all is now. There is this child who wears underwear and has opinions and tells me when he's bored and begs me to put his old diapers back in his closet because they're "embarrassing." I feel sentimental about all of it, sometimes second guessing myself that I enjoyed each phase to it's full potential, but I don't long for time to stop. Watching him grow is fascinating for me. Watching him write his letters and recite his dreams and hopes and the fact that he has dreams and hopes feels a little surreal. It's like, okay, this is our life and we are in this together. Before long it will be homework and school woes and a "moooooom" said with an eyeroll instead of with longing and need. I'm okay with that.