but with you i'd dance in a storm, in my best dress

Today has been one of those days that feels like weeks and months have passed when, in actuality, it's only been an hour or two. Ethan and I were both equal parts grumpy and overtired but I was determined to salvage the day as best as I could. It was a difficult task, beginning with the fact it took us 36 minutes to leave the house this morning to meet my father at Starbucks for our morning coffee date. Ethan was not happy to be sitting in his usually beloved carseat and I kept misplacing his bottle, or my keys, or my shoes. We trudged onward nonetheless and went on to add another morning of mall walking to our day. Power walking the mall for an hour until the stores open is slowly becoming our morning tradition. Today, however, that hour received the title of being the only actual nap Ethan was willing to take.

I understood how he felt today. I mirrored his sentiments and attitude exactly. If a red light lingered too long before turning green or I couldn't get to the phone on time before it stopped ringing, I felt it perfectly acceptable to cry about it out of sheer exhaustion. Sometime around noon I almost became used to the feeling of heavy eyelids and an endless supply of apathy. Ethan must have felt the same. I sang him each and every song (in it's entirety) from Matt Nathanson's Some Mad Hope album at naptime and it appeared he was down for the count. Twenty minutes later, he decided he was just too tired and cranky to sleep. I was right there with him. I was attempting to doze off next to him but my mind was too cluttered, too stressed, too frustrated to empty itself enough to welcome any slight sign of sleep. It happens, days like today.

We still trudged on in an attempt to make the best of it. Ethan is pretty good at making the best of it. Whenever I called him "crankypants," he'd burst out laughing and flash one of his biggest smiles. If someone called me "crankypants," I'd probably throw myself on the floor in a temper-tantrum that could put any kindergartner to shame.

Ethan begrudgingly humored me as we went about our daily routine. Instead of reading three books, he let me read one and a half before kicking his feet and quivering his bottom lip in protest. During tummy time, he decided that he forgot how to lift his head and instead would lay his head down on the mat and scream so loud I'm surprised the neighbors didn't call 911. He still stared at his reflection in his mirror with amazement, offering up conversation with his identical friend; little streams of baby talk here and there before deciding said friend bored him and he wanted nothing more to do with him. Still, I just called him "crankypants" and he'd shake his head from side to side with an unrelenting smile.

I felt like the "mommy version" of an overtired infant. For the first time ever, I didn't let the woman behind us in the check-out line at Target cut in front of us when she was buying a t-shirt and we had a cart full of items. I did and felt many things that made my husband all but call me a "crankypants" when he came home from work. I wasn't amused. I didn't laugh. I left him a heaping pile of dishes to wash in the sink.

It feels strange to describe today as a good day, at the bottom of it all. Ethan and I had many smiles (oddly enough, thanks in part to him being a "crankypants"), cuddles, snuggles and time together. He was a part of my day for me to hold, sing to, talk to, care for. There simply couldn't be anything bad about that, about the scent of his diaper balm and the way his soft, unruly hair feels as I try to tame it with my fingers. When I look at him now -- sleeping so soundly into the night -- I know that he didn't mind today that much, either. Life is too sweet and wonderful and meaningful to resent something so fleeting as a day. I began utilizing that way of thinking the moment he was born. He taught me that lesson, even if he didn't know it.

...He taught me that, and that sometimes it's okay to just be a "crankypants."

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  1. Oh my GOODness!!! Ethan is SO cute! I'm so glad we found each other! What fun that we share such a similar life story! It's so great to find new "friends" on here. :) I LOVE your blog! It looks like we've been blogging for about the same time too. Can I ask how you got your sponsors? I think that would be really neat to make a little money through blogging when I'm at home with kids one day. Good for you for already being on top of that! Anyways, so glad I found your blog! I'm following you!! :)

  2. Ethan is a doll. Your photos are amazing. Thanks for sharing. Being a first time mommy is hard. Harder than anything I have ever done. My only is 3 right now and it is harder now than before. But so worth it.

    I am visiting from the Friday Blog Hop. I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

    I voted for you on Top Mommy Blogs too.

    LaVonne @ Long Wait For Isabella

  3. What an adorable child your son is! My grandson's name is Ethan also! Hi! Trying to catch up on my Friday Blog Hops! Follow back @ http://www.pargasjunkyard.wordpress.com and/or on facebook @ http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pargas-Junkyard/259287017434763


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