almost one. almost.

My child is almost one. I freak out a little more each day that passes and with each inevitable reminder. His friends who he began mommy and me classes with back when their eyes were barely open and all they did was lay on blankets? They're turning one. Each weekend, there is another celebration and another set of parents trying to figure out how their newborn is now smashing pieces of birthday cake while an adoring crowd of friends and family cheer on.

Lately, my life has been full of little reminders. I've been making the guest list for Ethan's party, addressing invitations, getting price quotes for the menu and scouring the internet for ideas that I just might be able to handle and then inevitably being wrong about that. As I cross all of these little tasks off of my list, I try to avoid thinking about the fact that Ethan is turning one and just simply turn my mind off. This proved to be especially impossible when my husband and I began working on Ethan's first birthday slideshow. Each sweet song I've heard millions of times before somehow sounded even sweeter and moved me to tears as it played on alongside photographs documenting all of Ethan's days so far. This slideshow process? It's almost painful. Like the masochist I am, I spent nearly an hour the other day watching it on repeat and feeling my heart break into teeny-tiny little pieces. This was the same day that CBR, who we banked Ethan's cord blood and tissue with, sent Ethan a happy birthday card and board book. He is already getting first birthday gifts. It all just became more and more real from there. This was only the start to the inevitable breakdown that would ensue.

Ethan's birthday party is a farm theme and judging by the myriad of "so easy!" farm animal shaped crayon tutorials I found while browsing the internet, I decided to give these little guys a go for Ethan's goodie bags. More than once, my husband suggested I sit down and take a break as I screamed from the kitchen from hot wax burns. Our kitchen counter and floor are coated with wax. There is a cup full of mess-ups: red cows with green spots, roosters with no legs, horses without heads. I must have sent my best friend about a hundred photographs of my mishaps and documenting my frustration as my crayons took six minutes to cool despite the fact each tutorial claimed thirty seconds. Twenty-six nervous breakdowns later, I managed to end the day with 100-something crayons in almost perfect farm animal shapes.

...And a little boy who is almost one. Almost one.